I hope I will be OK

August 1, 2021

 

I feel down! Seems one of the saddest days I felt in my life. While I was watching the Tokyo Olympics 2020 Men’s Volleyball game of Japan vs. Iran, it came into my mind to start a journal. I would like to make a record of what I feel on this day and hopefully, someday when read back this one, I will just laugh or be relieve that this feeling happened to me. I hope that someday, I can say, everything happens for a reason. I hope everything will make sense and I will be OK.

Last week, I received an announcement that I will be assign in different location and will take a new job on that place. This means that I will be living on the countryside of Japan which now terrifies me. I don’t know if this is a message from God telling me that I am now being comfortable to the life that I have and no longer have the interest in challenges and learnings for me to develop and grow as a person. So maybe, He would like to remind me of Him and what is really the purpose of my career and life. I would admit that the lifestyle I have right now is what the life I envisioned and dreamed before. An ideal life that I will spend my 30’s to 40’s. Now it seems that this ideal life would come to an end in the next coming days.

What makes me sad is not only for this living change but I also found some people whom before I never thought I will be close with. People whom for me, no longer just as my workmates but now as friends. Friends that I could laugh with, share my sentiments, I can be silly, open to criticize me and people that will check on me if I am OK even it is already at the middle of the night. To me, as somehow an introvert person, it is hard to find these people. Most of the time, I am having a hard time to establish a good relationship to people at the start because I always consider whom I can trust or get along with. I always wanted to be in a circle of few people whom I can truly be with. I just hope I can keep the closeness and friendship that I have with them now even if I will no longer see them and communicate with them more often.

Like what they always say, “expect the unexpected”. And this is something I did not expect, maybe it came sooner than I thought but yes, I did not expect that this will happen now. I cannot help to ask why?!?! Why now?!?! Why I must be the one to be let go?!?! Is this a test?!?! Do I deserve this?!?! I really need answers.

At this point of writing this journal, both Japan and Iran got 2 sets won and they will play the deciding set. Whoever wins will move to the quarterfinals. I don’t know who I will root for but whoever wins, truly deserves the spot. Both sacrifices to win but only those who deserve will get the spot. For me, it means that even if how much you sacrificed, prayed, wished, and worked hard for something, if it is not for you, you won’t have it. Maybe something else you deserve is waiting or maybe you must accept that what you want, will not all the time you will get. You are not the only person praying for something. You are not always the lucky one. Not all the time the universe revolves into you. There are times you will feel down, have setbacks and for you to realize that the only way to go is UP.

A lot of things now making terrify and scares me for this upcoming change. I fear to start again. I fear that I will not have people to be with. I fear that I cannot do things that makes me happy. I fear that I will not develop myself. I fear that this job maybe not for me. I fear that I will not pull through. I experienced worst in the past, maybe this one will not be as worst as before. It is just that I haven’t felt it for a long while now. Maybe another message again from God that I must embrace change for me to grow.

I started this journal because I don’t want to (maybe I cannot) talk to someone with what I really feel. I am not the kind of person that will speak if I feel down and tell people that I am not OK. I don’t really want to hear encouraging words because I know in myself, those will not make me feel OK. Sometimes, I open-up what I feel but, in this case, I just can’t. Now, I am writing a journal to handle this feeling. Hopefully, it can help.

I only have limited time to enjoy this lifestyle before a complete change. Limited time as well to bond with friends and people here. Limited time to prepare myself for something new. What is coming is so terrifying for me, but I would like to live day by day, one at a time and just enjoy what I have now. But please let me somehow feel sad and down for awhile to sink in and process everything. But when things get clearer, I HOPE I WILL BE OK.

By the way, Japan won the game. Kudos to them!


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